The Woman I Want to Be

For-I-Know-the-Plans

I grew up in a middle class family on the outskirts of Chicago. I knew my parents loved me and loved each other dearly. They encouraged me to dream and believe in myself. With a flair for drama, I often used my hairbrush as a microphone and sang, or performed words from a play, to whoever would listen. When I was nine, my parents bought me an organ and I professed to my mom that one day I’d be a star.  I was bold and confident. In middle school, I decided I wanted to build things, like my big brother. Frank Lloyd Wright was my hero. By the time high school rolled around, I was quite popular and had promising grades. Visions of becoming an architect stirred in my soul. And if that didn’t work, I could always fall back on being a movie star.

Life, however, rarely goes the way we plan.

Being seventeen and pregnant dashed all my dreams. I had to marry a man I didn’t love to do right by my parents and being a mom trumped any thoughts of college. Life soon became everything I needed to do. The next ten years were pummeled by broken relationships, financial struggles, and hard work. I really had no idea what I wanted. I just did what I had to do. I tried to keep a smile etched on my face while deep wounds scarred my heart.

Things settled after awhile and I started searching my soul. That’s when I found The Lord. Ignited, I took a new path. Thankfully, God led me to my soul mate and allowed me to find true love. I then let love be my guide.

Today, the woman I want to be is finding me. She’s woven by every trial and every pain I experienced all those years ago. Once again, I’m bold and confident. The fabric of endurance, patience, and obedience cover me like a shield. I’ve learned to cling to God’s promises instead of being ruled by shattered dreams and ravaged emotions. Healing hasn’t been easy, but standing firm on His truths has cemented my joy. I can’t even imagine what it would have been like with God.

The woman I want to be is who God calls me to be. Today, I’m an author whose ‘hairbrush’ has become my laptop and I get to build stories. Who knew?

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6 thoughts on “The Woman I Want to Be

  1. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this right now. If it can happen for you, maybe I have a chance too. Thank you, Jan, and I can’t wait to see how far you go with this! Knowing you, the sky’s the limit!! 🙂

  2. What a touching blog, Jan. I’ve always thought of unplanned pregnancies as a joyous occasion. A baby has been created by the hands of God. Who are we to complain about the timing? Rejoice that your body was blessed with the gift of life. (Of course, my parents would have shipped me off to Siberia.)

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